So had my first physical yesterday full labs and some things came back not so great. I will handle it. I will pivot and work on it. This year has been about pivot for sure. What do you need to pivot ? Refocus ? Doc had some hard truths. I am Caregiver and tend to put my health last. Specially with husbands mental health declining this last year or so. And worrying about daughter. It’s been a long weekend spring cleaning four garbage bags out. Think I stress cleaned all weekend so I wouldn’t think about the apt for myself. Now I get new understanding of hubs stress before apts. lol. We got all awards for husband actually hung up in living room instead of the basement. His coins and stuff in shadow box. Went through closet play room all the things. Today we met with his Michm team and had breakfast at Perkins. Went well I think and he had labs. It’s been eye opening weekend and week so far. Lots of lessons. Lots of new found boundaries with certain people that have come up. Some hard truths how am still enabling husband in some ways and am gonna work on that. Working on yourself and family is never done. It’s always something new that comes up. Lots of lessons for sure. I am working on so many things and today am just exhausted. But am not forcing myself to do much. Today am gonna allow myself to be tired. To be exhausted. Allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. Don’t shove it down.
Feels so good to clean out all the junk. Clean out all the clothes I hung onto for emotional reasons and such. Feels so good to get rid of all the clutter and crap laying every where. Four garbages bags came out of this house and felt so good. Re organized closet. Went through hubs clothes. Daughters closet her play room. This has been a long stressful week with some things being brought up lessons learned. Others making me feel not adequate enough. Testing my caregiver. And bringing up past things of not feeling good enough. Things with my mom ( if you followed me before you know our history isn’t good ) things with my dad came up in trauma reboot class too with things he used to say to me or allow others to say that were inappropriate. Lots of junk. Right. Lots of junk that not only takes up physical space but mental. And felt so good to get it all out. I am good enough. I am doing the best I can in caregiver journey and I’ve come a long way from the people pleaser eggshell woman I used to be. No longer will I be a doormat. Am working on boundaries with so many. I’ve come so far. Today I sat in that. Today I allowed myself to release the past and the person I used to be. It feels so good. Trauma funny thing is it sucks yes. But we tend to grow learn and help others along the way. Strength I never thought i would ever have and working on confidence every single day. We’ve got this. You’ve got this. It’s a journey. It’s a season. Take it slow. But do it. Baby steps.
Today has been so busy and crazy. Frankly last two weeks have been full of apts for husband and myself, phone calls for husband and va stuff. My therapy. Daughters classes. It’s been full every day. I need to start to balance this stuff better. Find time for my self care and love because I am not finding anytime for myself. Haven’t been able to read which I love and signed up for book club and haven’t attended. My bad. My only time for me lately has been a bath and am super thankful for that but it’s also been with daughter. Definitely easier to bath with her then get all wet while dressed lol. So many phone calls today my head is spinning. Tonight is my trauma reboot class. Hopefully I can focus. Wonder what will come up and out with that ?! Tonight is all about forgiveness. God knows I work hard on that almost daily haha.
Love and light y’all.
Wow. I realized I haven’t written since 2014. Oh how so much has happened. This has been quite the journey and oh man was 2020 a year from hell. 2021 didn’t start well either. Husband had four inpatient stays in two months. I have come so far in my journey. Taking my power back. Standing in some pretty narly boundaries lately. With husband and mother in law. Home schooling our daughter. It’s been a long winter and long summer last year. I’ve decided on my journey to start this again. For me and for those who I’ll help along the way. Boundaries are so importantly for I didn’t even realize how far down the rabbit hole of walking on eggshells and becoming afraid of life and my husband I was down. I lost myself. And am working on finding me again. This is my life. This is me. Hot mess express and not always pretty but here I am. Ready for this ??!
Today I got a text from the family I work with saying they no longer needed me! Sad because I have worked with them for a long time and watched as there little boy has grown and all of the struggles he has gone through medically and how he has survived! Such a strong little boy that I will not only miss watching grow up and grow stronger, But also miss taking care of him! I am also now fearing what comes next for me.. I mean I have so much to keep me busy with being the Fort McCoy Spouse Of The Year and starting my own business.. BUT What about money coming in… What about bills.. What about hubby and his ptsd and making sure he isn’t stressed with finances.! I do everything and try and stress about it all to so that he doesn’t! Because lets face it he loosing it and cant handle it! Although last month I forgot to pay the direct tv bill since its in his name and I guess he opted for email bills which I neglected to tell me anyway they called and he didn’t freak just said my wife normally does that she must of forgot and paid it didn’t agrue with me or anything.. Kind of shocked me! None the less what about that stuff.. I am slowly freaking myself out the more I think about this and try and calm myself by saying everything happens for a reason (even if you don’t know what that reason is yet) And one door closed just means another door will open stuff like that. I cant seem to sleep and not think about it. Plus.. This is a big plus too I have yet to tell the hubby because he is going to be upset that they don’t need me anymore when I have put so much effort into it and he tends to take this stuff personal. (Ptsd thing)
Drinking sleepy time tea and writing this in hopes it helps me sleep! I started my own business but lets face it that takes time to start having solid income I mean I have a little but not enough! (There is never enough income for my hubby when It comes to money).
On a ligther better note.! We went to the gun range today for the first time for me lol. I was so scared and nervous and had no idea what I was getting myself into.. But with that said it was fun. I tried a few different guns and after a while it started getting less scary and stress relieving mostly. I had a lot of fun and now want to buy my own gun and feel I have a little better educated answer on what I want!
Oh yea did I mention I am totally having baby fever! I want a baby but I know when the time is right it will happen just with the family I worked for having another and she just had it he’s so darn cute and all my friends having them.. Oh yea and frg ladies asking why we don’t have any yet!! Ugh I want one!! Hubby has been saying he is finally ready and wants one! Yelled at me not take my pill and actually asked me to throw them away(Hello there expensive lol). I am not to sold or sure he really is mentally ready with ptsd I mean he cant remember a thing without me and he has a hard time keeping calm with school/reserves/army stuff add a kid I dunno.. I guess its one of those things that once it happens you find out if your ready lol. You never really can be ready financially or mentally. So I have to give him credit and the benefit of the doubt!! Here’s to trying!!
This week hell this month has been such a whirlwind. Between valentines day/anniversary/spouse of the year/ two jobs, It has been so much maybe even too much.! I have decided to cut back on work once again. I don’t know why I keep trying to bite off more then I can chew. I don’t know why I always think I can handle all this… Correction my hubby and his ptsd can handle all this. I probably could or would be ok if it wasn’t for his ptsd triggers and pissed off that im not here as much.!
I also think I would be ok if I didn’t have to deal with my hubby not getting the attention he wants/needs with his ptsd and when he doesn’t he acts out in ways I cant afford.. Buying crap/porn…So I need to realize that I need to stop doing so much and start being more of his caregiver like I am supposed. I need to stop slacking and worry so much about money. I also feel I need to be the sole provider and help my family the best I can have all we can. So I take more jobs to get more money… Well money isn’t everything on one hand it helps my husband stress less financially but in return he doesn’t get the attention he needs and he spends the money more so in hince sight im not really making more just working more and that’s a problem. SO I have decided to cut back and need to remind myself over and over again not to take that much on again.. Because not only does “He” end up spending more but it hurts our marriage and trust. SO it really has been an eye opener even just as a type this. In the end working more I don’t get more I get less money and less in life.
I have been doing a lot of stuff with my spouse of the year stuff as well. Talked to congressman here and am getting more attention to the va claims backlog(which I know wont change but I hope to help. ) Get more attention for mental health department so vets know they can get help more support groups for spouses, family member’s as well as caregivers. Caregiver support so they don’t get caregiver/second hand ptsd.. I am working on a fundraiser here local to help get vets/soldiers dealing with ptsd/tbi to get a service dog at no charge. I am trying to raise money for a local organization that rescues dogs from kill shelters and trains them for service dogs for vets/soldiers.! I hope it gos well. I will keep you all posted. I have started to work with two organizations that help wounded warriors/vets get what they need to succeed in life such as smart homes smart cars and service dogs. Stuff they need to get back to some what “normal” life. I hope all I do continues to go well and help many. I have started pages on facebook as well.. One private and one open that helps vets/soldiers and one that helps spouses and caregivers. I hope all I do is really helping. I pride myself on always being there for others and helping vets/soldiers so they may not have the long process we had with going through all this transitions In life.
I love my husband dearly and today marks our third anniversary wedding anniversary that is and the 24th of this month marks 5 years since he proposed and the 14th of this month marked 8 years of us dating.! It has been a long bumping up and down sideways ride but I loved every minute of it and wouldn’t change a thing. Even with the deployments and now ptsd/tbi fight we go through day to day I love him with my whole heart and soul. He continues to amaze me and surprise me he does… No matter what happens he makes me a better person he makes me who I am today and I love him so much!
The last few days have been a world wind.!
Every time my husband comes home with yet another award I do what I always do run and get a frame find a place on the wall and put it up, Look at him and say how proud I’m of him and how he always makes me so proud to be his wife.! Well Monday I got a award of my own well more like a certificate but hay same thing lol. This whole process has been so amazing and truly eye opening.! One of the spouses I used to help in JBLM nominated me on Friday and it got opened to voting I guess everyone I know that I should be military spouse of the year! I then got awarded Fort McCoy spouse of the year 2014! Such an honor and is so amazing feeling. I hope to help many as many as I can actually. We had a webinar with all the other base level winners and all decided on a platform to concentrate mainly on. My platform is of course something I am going through with hubby and something near and dear to my heart! Ptsd. I want to focus mainly on the fact that so many go untreated… Some even still deploy and cant get the right attention or help to get better. I want to focus on the 22 vets that kill themselves each day because no one tried to help them. I want to also focus on getting soldiers veterans that are suffering help that they deserve as well as Therapy animals (Dogs) To help them live there life to the fullest possible every day.! I want them to have all the benefits contacts they can possible have and what the deserve and are entitled to.! I want to help all veterans get in touch with whom ever they need to get a claim filed back pay set up caregivers they need service connected help among the process as well as therapy dogs and anything else they are benefit’s for and are entitled too! I want to help spouse’s become certified to be caregivers help them get educated check in on them make sure they are taking care of themselves and not getting secondhand ptsd! I want to make sure they are all set up to succeed in there therapy they choice to get better and have all they can to succeed In life. Make life a little easier. Make sure they know they have people in there corner who is truly there and truly does care.! As well as I want to make the stigma we have with mental health go away.! This society we have pinned mental health as such a bad thing and we seem to think everyone bad is mental insane. Its not fair.! Its a lot to do and I will ask any and all to help me through this process. I really hope I can make a difference in this even if it is small.. I am very passionate about this and am apart of a lot of support groups near and far to me. I am always at the va helping as much as I can. If anyone has any connections that could help me in this process im embarking on then please feel free to message comment me and help with this process.! Im so excited and I know I have so much to do and accomplish but I love it and makes me feel so good and happy!! ::)) Nothing but smiles.!!
So yesterday I went to my moms. ( for those that follow me this is second post about it ). When I first got there I was nervous as hell. Shaky butterfly’s anxious the whole nine yards. I got there and it was a rocky start she asked if I wanted coffee. I said sure and we sat there for a second starting at the tv. Then she got the gifts as I gave her mine. When she opened mine she didn’t seem that excited which I was kinda bummed about as this is the first year I bought for her in over five years or so due to the fact that she wasn’t deserve of a gift. I know what your thinking wow cold to say about your mom. But this is also the women who is he reason I was kicked out at 17 on a whim one day and moved in with a older older man who at the time was a not serious boyfriend who she introduced me to. Still to this day I think she did so that she could kick me out. All apart of her plan to have no kids in the house. As well as the women who kicked me off health insurance at the age of seventeen when I have heart problems and cancer history so let’s take her off so she has to pay out of pocket for it all. Also toke my taxes and claimed me for over three years even though you kicked me out and toke it all from me. Sold my car. Ya I lie what your thinking how do I even talk to my mom tell this day because I believe in forgiveness and try to move on although every time I let my mom have a second third fourth chance she reminds me of why I shouldn’t. She helped my ex stalk me still tell this day I feel she is plotting against my marriage and wants me with my ex for some reason even though in my era he’s a loser. ( she set me up yesterday to run into him as well). Anyway back to yesterday. So I open mom and it’s never a lot that she gets me but always something I can use. Like kitchen cooking stuff. Then we some how get to talking about the war and Iraq and all this stuff and she is starting to hit huge buttons with me. Does this women not realize I’m married to a man who has been over there fought for his life over there and is fighting for his life now because do the stuff over there. Kept saying stupid stuff like we aren’t doing any good over there and it’s all for nothing and we are wasting time and money over there. That’s it’s all because we are over there that is the reason we are broke. Which would be no big deal but hit buttons with me coming from her. Then she was defending Obama and how he is doing so well and how Busch messed it all up and Obama is cleaning his mess which really struck buttons with me because I despise Obama. So I tried to keep quite and wait for a new subject then she starts talking about my sister which that women is another person I despise. She has hurt me more then I can put into words. Helping my ex make my life hell giving him my fb passwords emails and all to hack into. Ugh don’t even get me started. So I haven’t seen her in a long time. Years. And my mom gives me the speech life is too short and just let it go… Let it go the women said and I quote ” I hope he dies over there fighting for your stupidity “. When my husband was over in Afghanistan. Like really bitch that’s what you want to say when I’m struggling to hold it together thanks for the support. Ugh. I won’t let it go. Not for a long time. Anyway. Then she gets a call from a lawyer about something I don’t know what and don’t get involved because god only knows what it good be. She asks if I can bring her up to stews ( step dad) work to fax some papers. ( also were my ex works and where she helped introduce us ) I said I don’t really want to go in but I’ll drive you up there. ( she has no car anymore god knows why ). Do I drive up there and she tells at me to get out with all the truck drivers waiting to pull in starring at me. I finally get out because she causing a seen. Low and behold she drags me into the warehouse and who would ya know I see him and he pulls me in for a hug ( ex that is). I got so upset that he felt he could even so much as touch me or talk to me after all he put me and my husband through in an already hard time. I smacked him and ran to the car. I sat out there waiting for my mom and the she came out like nothing happened and asked if I wanted to go to lunch so I said ya fine. ( I mean I got to eat lol ) so I drove to Panera bread and she bought lunch. And then talked about past go figure mom likes to bring that shit up. Every time I tried to talk about the present she said oh that reminds me of the time. Ughhhh. Anyway the. I drove her home and left. That was my day with her. Lol. Up down and all over. Always that way with her. Never really know how it will go. My day with hubby was good though. He’s been tired with getting up early all weekend for reserve and then school so far this week. It’s been a busy week. Tom will be calmer though I think. I hope lol. I work all day today and it’s snowing and having to drive to work In it sucked plus yesterday with my mom I’m tired as shit my nerves are shot lol. Newsy sorry such a long rambling post. Maybe will post later otherwise tom.
Driving to my moms to spend some time and exchange presents since we haven’t yet and I have huge butterflies in my tummy. Shaky and all. Hope to god I don’t see anyone from my horrible past. Ugh. I hate coming here. Butterflies get worse the closer I get. Ugh. I’m weightless with nerves. Well I’m here so here I go in… Hope she doesn’t pull any surprises. Never know with her. I’m sure there will be big post later so stay tuned.